Small depression

So, depression. I go in and out, which is nice, because with the breath in-between I can get a feeling for what is going on, why.

One thing is that there is something wrong, sure. I lost a friend. It is the general trend. Friends die, of course, and then as we age we put up with less. Personally I don’t want to see anyone who doesn’t obviously love being around me. Naturally this means that fewer and fewer people are around me. Sometimes realizing that someone really is not that into you is a gut punch. As long as you didn’t see them that much, you were great friends. But then.. Oof.

So, there is something wrong. And so the natural rhythm of the day is messed with. You didn’t eat, or if you did your digestion didn’t work the way it should. So then there is the spaciness of the constitution going on combined with the gut punch. Hours go by and nothing happens, which is some kind of brain fog, a uselessness feeling. That’s when you (I) realize how alone you are, and obviously how alone you’ve always been. Because you really can’t remember how it was to not be depressed. That’s it, really. Depression is endless, until you’re out of it; but you can’t remember how that part works. And you think how alone you feel thinking of all the people you don’t have around you, and you totally dismiss the actual people who are right there or who would talk an hour with you if you called them. You ignore them, because you know that none of them would help, because being totally alone is all you’ve ever been, really. People are only a distraction from the reality that we are absolutely alone.

And then there is everything else. And everyone is suffering, and your depression is just so stupid or childish, and if you weren’t so selfish you would be doing something for someone who is really having a hard time, not like you.

We are just floating here. The thing we’ve got that anchors us, just for now, the people or the art or the job we’re doing that keeps us feeling our feet on the earth, that’s the thing. For me today it was playing blues guitar a way that I never did before, then a walk. The wind from the south was wonderful. Springtime.